Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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