I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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