i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
