she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
