I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
