sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
