I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We left the knife in your bed.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
