theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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