Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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