I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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