I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
