I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
