is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
