god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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