It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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