I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize