I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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