There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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