so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
