i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
