tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
