You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
