Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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