My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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