I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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