You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
