first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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