wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
