Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
