Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
