there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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