NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
