I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
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