the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
