I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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