i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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