So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
