I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
