I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
