the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
