I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
