Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
