....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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