giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
