I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
