Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
