im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
