There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
