his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
