areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
