She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize