Don't make out with my wife yet
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
