Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Your penis caused this!
This toilet bowl is my home.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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