they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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