I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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