my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
