you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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