i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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